Humility

I realized something about myself today during church: sometime in the last five or so years, I've passed from being one of those people who pretends to be humble to someone who actually feels humility every once in awhile. I still don't know how to handle people telling me that I sing or read or speak well. I know that God has given me the gifts of speaking and singing to the glory of God, but I have a hard time recognizing this when people are talking to me. I usually get away with a shy "thanks," but I feel like that conveys more false humility than an acknowledgment of what God has bestowed upon me. This is something I'm going to keep working on, because I definitely won't be done reading, speaking, singing, or teaching any time soon.

In the past, I've been pretty confident in my ability to do what God has called me to do. As my earlier post about fear shows, I am nervous about what a life of service to God as a minister will mean for me, whether I am really prepared to do it, and all of the baggage that comes along with that. I recognize, though, that God would not have given me the gifts for pastoral ministry if God didn't want me to be using them in my daily life. I truly believe that God will lead me through my ministry, guiding me if I am open to what God has to say to me. I think the difference between my pride in the past and my attitude now can really only be described as humility. I am aware that nothing I do in my ministry will be of my own doing, but rather God's power manifest in me. As Pastor Linda said in a children's message the other week, certainly God could come down and do things like lead the Israelites out of Egypt, but he doesn't--he uses his faithful followers.

So now I meander my way through this field ed assignment, trying to discover some of strengths and weaknesses, the places where I am knowledgeable or ignorant, and just how to do this thing called ministry. I've learned that I can make mistakes and the service doesn't fall apart. There's one way to keep me humble--God keeps working even when I screw up. Apparently the life and death of a service or congregation doesn't hinge on my ability to be perfect or do everything the way I should. Thank God. Amen.

Youth

A big part of my field education experience is going to be working with the youth. Most people know I'm pretty good at working with kids, because I love hanging out with them and think they're great. I've been part of Theology on Tap, which is an adult Bible study group, for a year and a half now. But I have a big gap in my Christian education teaching from sixth to twelfth grade. Part of this is because when I was at Rejoice, I was too young to teach middle and high school students--I was one.

Another part is that I simply have a hard time working with groups of teenagers. I love spending time with Sarah and Jon by themselves. When they get in a group, though, I start to get annoyed really quickly. Teenagers just have a really interesting mentality when they are with their friends, and I need to learn how to deal with this.

Lucky for me, Linda was a high school history teacher before she was a pastor, so she has plenty of experience with teenagers. She also has a 14-year-old, who just so happens to be in Confirmation this year. This has worked out great because I'm observing her in Confirmation for the next few weeks/months, and then I'll be able to help teach. I'm so excited to learn about this part of ministry, and Linda has been a great teacher. I'm also working with the 7th and 8th graders on Sunday mornings. Their teacher, Stacy, is also a wonderful person who works great with the kids. I'm learning a lot from spending time with her on Sundays.

I went to youth group on Sunday night, too. I loved listening to the students (junior and senior high kids) talking to each other, and hearing about school, friends, family, etc. But when we got to the worship part of the evening, they were completely unfocused. I had a hard time worshiping simply because the kids were talking and laughing and not paying any attention at all. I'm not sure how to address this problem, as I know it will be an issue in every church where I serve. It was a good test of my patience, because I'm not in charge and didn't feel like it was my job to say anything. I also enjoyed seeing how Robyn, the youth leader, reacted.

I'm learning a lot about working with youth, but I know this is going to be one of the biggest challenges to my ministry. Luckily, God has blessed me with a wonderful husband who feels a calling to work with youth and young adults. Maybe I can just get him to teach my confirmation classes for me...

Can Women Do That?

Pastor Linda gave me some homework last week: to write about the challenges associated with being a woman in ministry that I have encountered thus far. I'm also taking a class called Sex and Scripture, so this topic is near to my heart right now, and I'm sure I'll be thinking about it a lot over the next months. So here is that reflection:

One of the first challenges for women in ministry that I have noticed while working at St. Mark is what to wear. Whereas male ministers have a clear cut “uniform” of a suit, it seems that there is no such comparable garb for a female pastor. I find myself staring into my closet on Saturday night, wondering what would be most appropriate to wear at church on Sunday. If it is appropriate for Sunday worship, am I going to be overdressed for Confirmation and youth group later that day? Can I wear a skirt or dress? Can I wear open-toed shoes? Can I wear some jewelry?

This is an issue I have never really had to address before. In my jobs during high school and college, I either had a uniform or I was babysitting. People either automatically knew my role in the situation or they were younger than me and therefore deferred to my authority. In the church, however, I want to make sure I not only convey who I am as a person, but I need to be modest, and dress for the job to which I aspire. Just last week, someone told me they liked my outfit. Although I said “thank you,” I automatically wondered if my clothing was distracting from the point of church. 

I do not think I have been this hyperconscious of my clothing since high school, and then I was trying to impress everyone. As I go through this field education experience, I want to continue learning how to express myself through how I dress without being a stumbling block to anyone in the congregation. There is definitely not a simple answer, but I am finding my way.

The other greatest challenge I have seen so far is not letting emotions get in the way of ministry. During the baptism this past Sunday, I got teary-eyed. Baptism is a wonderful, powerful experience, and it definitely moved me this past week. At the other end of the spectrum, I am very aware of other people’s suffering and fairly empathetic. I have been known to cry from seeing someone else cry. This is a challenge that is specific to me, but I also think that women in general have to deal with their emotions a lot. I will need to learn how to keep my emotions in check during baptisms, weddings, etc., but I also need to figure out when it is appropriate to share those emotions. There are times to “toughen up” and times to let loose with emotions, and one of my goals is to determine these and learn how to deal with each situation.

Yuck.

Yesterday, I got the wonderful pleasure of doing something I'd hoped could be put off for years: going to church sick. I've been sick off and on all week long, and, of course, yesterday was the worst day so far. So I got up, forced myself to eat some breakfast, drank some coffee, took some medicine, and hoped for the best. By the middle of the 8:15 service, said coffee, medicine, and breakfast had kicked in and I felt pretty good. I didn't really have to fake being awake or excited anymore. I read my reading, said my prayer, heard a great sermon, and mingled a little during coffee time (during which I had some more coffee).

Yesterday was also my first day to attend the 7th and 8th grade Sunday school class, which are the biblical confirmation years. Confirmation at St. Mark is 3 years: Old Testament, New Testament, and Catechism. The ninth graders meet approximately every other week for their Confirmation time. So I got to sit with the SUPER quiet junior high kids and try to help Stacy get them to talk. The boys eventually started giving answers, but the girls never did talk. I've been continually surprised by how many of the junior and senior high kids are so quiet. I'm pretty sure I was never quiet, and I think most of the kids in my Confirmation class were talkative. We were constantly being told to settle down, and I don't remember anyone who needed to be prodded into talking. Since I'm just observing, I haven't been interfering much in this manner, but I'm curious to see what Stacy and Pastor Linda do as time goes on. I'm curious to hear what everyone has to say, and I'm sure they are, too.

So after the class, I went and robed up for the second service. Then things really started to fall apart. All of a sudden, none of my medicine or caffeine seemed to be working again. I had to force myself to keep my eyes open, and I could barely sing. I managed to make it through my reading and prayer again, but things were not looking good. I was just biding time, hoping to make it through the rest of the service. I don't know what I would have done if I was the pastor. I only had a few parts in the service this morning, and I was hidden behind a column for the rest of it. No one knew that I was trying not to fall asleep for most of the second half. So I made it through, talked a little, then headed home to take a nap, which got me through Confirmation.

I don't remember my dad ever being sick on a Sunday. Sometimes he was sick on Mondays, but I don't even recall him complaining about not feeling well on Sunday afternoon. I can't imagine that he never got sick in the 18 years that I lived with him while he was a pastor. But he certainly never whined about it, and he never let the congregation know how he was feeling. There are definitely times to let the congregation know you're not perfect. I'm definitely not going to try to exude perfection, because that just perpetuates the idea that I'm supposed to have no flaws. But I think there's something to be said for not letting people know that you're not feeling 100% on Sunday morning...I just hope I don't have to do that again for awhile!