My reflection for CPE this week pretty much sums up how I feel, but I won't repost the whole thing here. Just the final paragraph:
The problem I am facing, however, is that this was never something I wanted to do. Being myself, I have made the most of it and recognized how valuable the CPE expereince is and will continue to be. But, also being myself, I am starting to get much more concerned abotu what the future holds. The day CPE ends, I'm driving out to Ohio for a candidacy retreat. Then school and field ed start, then a trip to Texas, my Endorsement interview, all the planning that goes into the spring, and, most obviously, the baby coming. I am having a harder time focusing on what is happening here as what WILL be happening soon looms closer and closer. I guess my biggest goal for the next two weeks is to ground myself in the moment, and not lose sight of what I am continuing to learn--while somehow still planning for the future.
So there you have a glimpse into my second-to-last-week-of-CPE brain. I really have learned a lot this summer. I started working on my Endorsement essay this weekend and realized that I was very smart to wait until this point to write it. I knew that a big part of Endorsement was the CPE experience, but I don't think I really understood how much I would grow through CPE (literally and figuratively!). Although I am coming out of it with many of the same convictions--like knowing that chaplaincy is not a part of my current call--I am also coming out with a different view of death, a new appreciation for relationships, and a deeper sense of myself.
Yet I'm kind of at a point where I'm ready to move on. I know I could keep learning about group dynamics, chaplaincy, and pastoral care in general for years to come, but that is not what's dominating my brain right now. First, there is this Endorsement essay. This 10-page paper, plus an interview, are the tools I have to explain myself to a bunch of near-strangers, most of whom will not even be at the interview. That's a terrifying experience in itself.
Then there are the thousands of little things I need to take care of before school starts in three weeks: buying books, talking to my professors about how I'll finish this semester, doing pre-reading, figuring out how to see Wes while we're both taking more classes than ever before, working with three different schools to take five classes, wondering how long I'm going to want to drive myself an hour to school four days a week, finding someone who could drive me to the hospital if I go into labor while I'm at school, etc., etc., etc. I'm worrier...and, more importantly, a planner. I've gotten to a point in my life where I can mostly take my worries and convert them into actions. I'm worried that I might go into labor in the middle of class, so what can I do to be proactive about that so I don't worry about it every minute of every class in November? But there is just SO much to consider right now that something has to go, and I'm afraid that that's my concern for CPE. I want to get the most that I can out of the next two weeks, so I guess being aware of this issue is the first step. And the second is not blinking, because I'm pretty sure next Friday will be here before I know it.
