Shepherds

One of the many metaphors we use for Jesus is "shepherd." In fact, this is one of the "I am" statements from the Gospel of John: "I am the good shepherd." Unless I'm mistaken, we read this passage every year of the lectionary, hearing again how Jesus is a shepherd to us. Psalm 23 was paired with it this year: "The Lord is my shepherd." It is clear to us that Jesus is the shepherd, even if we are not sure what a shepherd is or what his job really entails.

A fellow CPE chaplain and I were talking yesterday. In Spanish (and, I suspect, several other languages), the word for "pastor" and "shepherd" is the same. So, when I introduced myself to a Spanish-speaking patient the other day, I asid, "Soy una pastora del hospital." In context, I know she understood that I am not, in fact, leading sheep around the hospital. Yet the meanings are intricately linked, something we have lost by having two separate words. 

What does it mean to be a shepherd for those to whom we minister? 

In my supervision with Ted today, we talked a lot about the amount of work pastors are expected to do, coupled with the amount of advocacy and other voluntary activities that pastors do willingly. There simply is not enough time to do everything. There is no way I can write sermons, visit parishoners, teach classes, lead worship, etc., etc., etc., as well as advocate for environmental issues, humanitarian rights, orphans, starving children in Africa, peace, and the many, many other things that I think God is calling us to do. Not to mention taking care of my house and family, reading a book for fun, and sleeping. I just don't have enough hours in my day--even now. 
This led to a discussion about how best to be an advocate for those who are advocating, which led me right back to the discussion with Sarang about shepherding. Although I am certainly no expert on being a shepherd in the strictest sense of the word, I do know a few things. Shepherds don't lead each individual sheep to the water, then help them drink. They don't bring each sheep to green grass, plucking it and hand-feeding them. They don't even worry about sheep who are a little farther away from the herd. 

Rather, their job is to bring the sheep to places where they can find the good water, the delicious grass, and the shade tree. They keep an eye on all the sheep at once, but are also able to focus on an individual when she is in need. When one gets lost and needs personal attention, the shepherd will even leave the rest of the herd to find him, trusting that they will be okay on their own. Perhaps I should work to embody this role a little better. I want to recognize my congregants as individuals who have each been blessed with many gifts, but also have several weaknesses to overcome. If their strength is advocating for something I also believe in, perhaps my role is to support them in their advocacy, not necessarily attending meetings and events myself, but encouraging them in their justice-making. If I know of something or someone who can help, perhaps I can lead those people to each other, and then let them figure out the next steps. I can't do everything I want to do. But I can help others achieve whatever is most important to them through my encouragement, support, prayer, and help. 

Settling in

I'm starting to feel pretty "settled in" at the hospital--at least as settled as one can be at a hospital. I'm getting to know some of the staff, I'm getting more comfortable with "cold call" visits, and I haven't gotten lost or confused while wandering through the maze this week. I DID find Wes lost and confused earlier in the week when he was trying to visit a parishoner and I managed to get him where he belonged. But I'm really starting to feel comfortable with the whole situation. I'm very glad that the nearest hospital to me is a community hospital, not a trauma center. This is a good learning experience, not a terrifying one. Plus, considering how exhausted I've been as is, I can't imagine constant pages, 24-hour on calls, and the other pressures that go along with working in a trauma center.

One of the biggest things I'm trying to do is to really be more aware of myself and my relationships with other people. I've heard over and over that CPE is important to one's development in ministry, and that it's really about learning about yourself. I've been trying to take this to heart while also remembering that I am here to help patients through what is frequently a challenging point in their spiritual lives. I want to make sure that I'm properly caring for others, and not just myself. Yet I know that I have much to learn here.

On my final evaluation from St. Mark, Linda wrote that I have incredibly high standards for myself. Although she pointed I nearly always meet them, it is unfair to me and my sanity to always expect perfection. Linda told me that she is particularly concerned about this part of my personality in light of the soon-to-be-baby. There is absolutely no way I can continue to expect myself to get A's, keep my house perfectly clean, work effectively at field ed, and take care of Daniel while caring for a baby. It's just impossible. So I've been trying to keep that in the back of my mind as I work this summer. Although perfection is nice, it's definitely not necessary. No one else holds me to perfection, so why should I?

 

I think one of the great things about being pregnant during this time is that I'm learning how not to push myself too hard. I simply can't work as hard as I used to. I'm doing a pretty good job of walking around and then taking a break. When I walk around the hospital, I try to take the stairs, but I get winded really easily, so I don't beat myself up if I grab the elevator one time. I've gotten my eating schedule down pretty much perfectly at this point, and I feel no shame in eating during our morning sessions, or leaving my floor for 15 minutes or so to take a snack break. I've also been doing a fairly decent job of admitting that I need to go to bed by 10 some nights so that I can make it through the next day. I even asked for help today! I asked Wes to go over and take care of Dan so I can take a nap in anticipation of maybe getting called in tonight. My biggest problem right now is that my body can't/won't do all the things I'm used to it doing, and that's frustrating. I'm going to be terrible at getting old...lol.

I have had some really great conversations this week with patients. We did a didactic last week on reflective listening skills. Ted told us that most pastor-type people are more likely to give moral advice, or be supportive of a person than to employ reflective listening. He pointed out that, although it is not always the best tool, it is important for us to learn how to be the listener in the conversation, not the primary talker. For this reason, we need to learn how to properly respond in each situation so that people will feel free to disclose more information, to tell us their stories, to share their faith struggles. This will not happen if we judge them, tell them what to do, or speak down to them. As someone who loves to talk, I am trying to become a more effective and better listener so that the patients feel heard.

I'm on call again tonight. Last week was very peaceful, although I woke up every 3 hours or so in a blind panic, thinking that I had missed the pager going off at some point. When I woke up at 8:15 and saw no pages, I pleasantly turned it off and slept for a little while longer. We'll see how tonight goes. I'll also be here from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. on Sunday, so that will definitely give me something to think/talk/write about!

Yet Another Beginning

Well, I’ve successfully made it through two weeks of CPE and I’m starting to feel more competent with each passing day. I’m still pretty nervous about what the summer will bring, especially as I am on call tonight and there is no telling what might happen. At the same time, I am starting to feel like this is something I can actually do with grace, and I don’t feel like I’m just surviving each day.


Last week was an interesting, stressful, busy week. We had a full day of hospital orientation that was basically just plain exhausting. Then we spent Tuesday and Wednesday doing a lot of CPE-specific orientation. This, too was quite exhausting but at least it was specific to my situation, rather than just about working at the hospital. By Wednesday afternoon, we spent some time on our floors for the summer, which we continued to do through Friday.


I’m going to be working in telemetry, which basically consists of any long-term patients who are in need of heart monitoring. They are not in serious condition, like those in ICU, but they are in varying need of acute care. Many come in for a day or two before heading back home, to nursing homes, or to some sort of hospice care. Others have more long-term needs, especially certain conditions which cause them to be in isolation, whether contact or airborne.


I have several goals for my time in CPE, and I think they are all reasonable as well as long-term. One came out of my time at St. Mark this past year, which is my goal of creating a better prayer life. Although Wes and I are good about praying over meals and at night, I do not feel like prayer is central to my everyday life, but I would like it to be. If the center of my life is God, then the center of each day should be prayer. One piece of this is also my fear of praying for others aloud. It is one thing to read a pre-written prayer on Sunday morning in worship. It is quite another to pray for someone in physical, emotional, or spiritual distress. I worked on this throughout field education, and I will continue to do so this summer and beyond.


My other two goals are probably not too surprising for anyone who knows me. First, I want to learn how to be with people who are in distress without letting my emotions get the best of me. I want to learn how to express my emotions in a healthy way, rather than bursting into tears because someone else is in some sort of pain. I think there is no better place to learn this than in the hospital. So far, I have not had too many problems, but I also have not been at the bedside of someone who is dying or has died, so we will see how I work toward this goal throughout the summer. Complicating my handle on my emotions, of course, is my pregnancy.


Finally, I am working toward being less…anal…about my agenda. I like to make my plans and have everything figured out. While this in itself is not a problem and almost always an accomplishable goal, I also have a tendency to get frustrated when my agenda is not complete. Therefore, I plan to use this summer to become more aware of what causes frustration. As a pastor, I will have to be available to my parishioners when they are in need—I can’t just get frustrated because of some interruption in my schedule. My job is about people, not about the agenda. I especially want to work on this goal in lightof the baby coming in December. My agenda is definitely not going to be the number one priority when the baby is hungry, and I want to make sure that I deal with this in a healthy way, rather than getting upset.


So there you have it. Plenty of goals and a full summer, but it seems to be going well so far. I’m interested to see what the summer brings and how much I can learn from this experience.