Well, that's lame

At the ripe old age of 24, I think I am finally able to admit something about myself: I don't like change.

I know, that's probably a surprise to everyone. Everyone else in the world absolutely adores change, so clearly I'm the odd one out on this one.

Seriously, though, I had quite the cathartic moment on the way home today (catharsis is not to be confused with Catechetics, which I keep confusing recently). I don't know if it is partially due to the long couple of days at school, or if it's just one of those times when everything comes raining down all at once or what. During the council meeting today, we talked about the possibility of St. Mark hosting other field education students over the next years. And suddenly, I realized that I can't imagine leaving there, yet it's coming in just a few months.

In the long run, I know that leaving St. Mark to work at another church is the exact experience I need. It's going to be a time for me to learn how another church works, to go to different council meetings, learn new names, and start again--with good reason. But I hate it. I super hate it.

When I was a kid, we moved approximately every three years until we moved to Hudson and started Rejoice. When I was almost 9 and we found out we were moving to Hudson, I bawled for days. I hated every moment of the move, and it definitely took me awhile to adjust to my new life. And I was NINE!! Then, as I got older and finally realized that God was calling me to a life of ministry, I started thinking that I would love to move around the country, always going to a new state or new place, not "just" moving around the northeast corner of Ohio like my boring family did. I graduated, moved to Texas, and eventually studied abroad for a semester.

Then we moved to New Jersey, and things changed. I realized that moving kind of sucks. There's all the packing, how to fit the same old junk into a new house, how to make your way around a new area, etc. And that's not to mention the issue of trying to maintain contact with all the people you've grown to know and love. Wes and I have been trying to keep up with our friends in Texas for a little over two years now, and it's no fun.

That said, there is one kind of change I'm a fan of: the kind of change that I get to create or choose for myself. I loved going to Argentina. Sure, I missed my friends and family, but  I knew I would see them in a few months, and I was the one in charge of when I left, when I came back, and everything that happened while I was there. Yet, as I pointed out to Wes years ago, I can't imagine being a Methodist pastor, when someone else would get to tell me when and where I would be moving. Even if I DID decide to move churches every few years, it would be on my terms, not someone else's.

And don't get me wrong. There are some other kinds of change that I actually enjoy. Goodness knows that if I had to be in the same class for more than 12 weeks, there are times when I would not be able to handle that. If winter didn't go away eventually, I'd freak out. But these are predictable changes that I can think about in advance and process.

I finally realized--after my little pity party/cry in the car on the way home--that this issue is actually a good sign. The fact that it breaks my heart to think about leaving St. Mark after I've only been there five months proves that I really am following God's call on my life. If I could just walk away without a second thought, that would be a sign that something was wrong. Instead, I have to work through the feelings of leaving and changing again. And I can look forward to the day when one and a half years is not the longest tenure I've had in a house since I was in high school, when I can stay at a church longer than a school year, and when I can finally build relationships knowing that I'll be able to keep up with them, not leave a few years later.

I hope this isn't too much of a downer. Although I came home and told Wes that I needed a hug, I also told him, "I'm really not upset." Yes, it sucks to feel like I haven't been in the same place long enough to call it home since I left for college. Yes it's annoying to look toward the next few years and know that the only constant will be change. Yet I'm doing what God has called me to do. And I have Wes by my side through all of it. And even when it's tough, that's temporary. Honestly, what more could I ask for?