I visited St. Mark two weekends ago just to observe and to get my field ed going. I didn't meet with Pastor Linda until the following week, so when I introduced myself to the members of the congregation, I just told them who I was, not why I was there. I was just another visitor (who appeared to have a 7-year-old, because Dan was with me--I wonder what people thought about that).
This week when I attended, I was able to talk to the congregants about my position. Pastor Linda and I had met for two hours on Thursday to talk about my role, my goals, her expectations, the congregation, our lives, etc. I knew I would be working as a field ed student, and I knew some of what I was going to be doing throughout the year.
Pastor Linda introduced me to the congregation at both services, so now they knew that I am a seminiarian, a field ed student, and a future pastor (God willing). And all of a sudden, I got pretty nervous. This happens to me every so often when I think about the future. Will people like me? Will I remember names? What if I make a mistake? What if I say something wrong? What if I don't stay true to God's message? Am I going to be a good pastor? WHAT AM I DOING? Usually, I calm down in an hour or so and forget about all these scary questions for a few more months. All of a sudden, these questions seemed way more relevant and immediate. And that scared the crap out of me.
Then the congregants started coming up to me, and my fears were confirmed. Most of them seemed to see me as just a step lower than Pastor Linda. I've been in seminary for a month! I'm nowhere near ready to be ordained and held up to that status. But they were asking me questions as if I were. What a scary thought--people looking up to me. It's one thing when a 3-year-old looks up to me. But these are adults, most of whom are older than me, and they expect me to be an expert. What a scary, scary place to be...and this is the job I've chosen. Haha.
But, by the grace of God, I made it through the day and managed to talk to Pastor Linda about it during our meeting yesterday. She calmed me down and reminded me that I don't need to have the answers to everything. I'm preparing for ministry, and this is one of the many steps on that path. I don't know if I'll never get used to people thinking of me this way. It's a scary thought, that's for sure.
I think Pr. Linda put it very well - and it's something that I tell myself (and NEED to hear) often. This is but the first step of the journey, but I don't think ordination is the destination. And that frightens the hell out of me, too!
ReplyDeleteIn response to your "am I going to be a good pastor" collection of questions, never forget that God doesn't call the qualified, God qualifies the called. Sure, this gets even scarier when talking about endorsement and approval and ordination, but never forget that God brought you here and God will bring you out of it!
We're a third of the way through our first semester, and I still feel like I haven't "learned" anything (in the sense of me not having any answers yet). I guess we're just living examples of blind faith. So keep that chin up!
Peace,
Mark
“O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!”
ReplyDeleteThe Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said,
"Look, I have put my words in your mouth!"
You're going to be fantastic Jess! And it's okay to be nervous, but you don't have to have all the answers. Most people are looking for honesty above anything else, and so just pour your heart into it, keep learning, and turn that fear into a passion to dive in and serve. They are so blessed to have you :).