Shepherds

One of the many metaphors we use for Jesus is "shepherd." In fact, this is one of the "I am" statements from the Gospel of John: "I am the good shepherd." Unless I'm mistaken, we read this passage every year of the lectionary, hearing again how Jesus is a shepherd to us. Psalm 23 was paired with it this year: "The Lord is my shepherd." It is clear to us that Jesus is the shepherd, even if we are not sure what a shepherd is or what his job really entails.

A fellow CPE chaplain and I were talking yesterday. In Spanish (and, I suspect, several other languages), the word for "pastor" and "shepherd" is the same. So, when I introduced myself to a Spanish-speaking patient the other day, I asid, "Soy una pastora del hospital." In context, I know she understood that I am not, in fact, leading sheep around the hospital. Yet the meanings are intricately linked, something we have lost by having two separate words. 

What does it mean to be a shepherd for those to whom we minister? 

In my supervision with Ted today, we talked a lot about the amount of work pastors are expected to do, coupled with the amount of advocacy and other voluntary activities that pastors do willingly. There simply is not enough time to do everything. There is no way I can write sermons, visit parishoners, teach classes, lead worship, etc., etc., etc., as well as advocate for environmental issues, humanitarian rights, orphans, starving children in Africa, peace, and the many, many other things that I think God is calling us to do. Not to mention taking care of my house and family, reading a book for fun, and sleeping. I just don't have enough hours in my day--even now. 
This led to a discussion about how best to be an advocate for those who are advocating, which led me right back to the discussion with Sarang about shepherding. Although I am certainly no expert on being a shepherd in the strictest sense of the word, I do know a few things. Shepherds don't lead each individual sheep to the water, then help them drink. They don't bring each sheep to green grass, plucking it and hand-feeding them. They don't even worry about sheep who are a little farther away from the herd. 

Rather, their job is to bring the sheep to places where they can find the good water, the delicious grass, and the shade tree. They keep an eye on all the sheep at once, but are also able to focus on an individual when she is in need. When one gets lost and needs personal attention, the shepherd will even leave the rest of the herd to find him, trusting that they will be okay on their own. Perhaps I should work to embody this role a little better. I want to recognize my congregants as individuals who have each been blessed with many gifts, but also have several weaknesses to overcome. If their strength is advocating for something I also believe in, perhaps my role is to support them in their advocacy, not necessarily attending meetings and events myself, but encouraging them in their justice-making. If I know of something or someone who can help, perhaps I can lead those people to each other, and then let them figure out the next steps. I can't do everything I want to do. But I can help others achieve whatever is most important to them through my encouragement, support, prayer, and help. 

Settling in

I'm starting to feel pretty "settled in" at the hospital--at least as settled as one can be at a hospital. I'm getting to know some of the staff, I'm getting more comfortable with "cold call" visits, and I haven't gotten lost or confused while wandering through the maze this week. I DID find Wes lost and confused earlier in the week when he was trying to visit a parishoner and I managed to get him where he belonged. But I'm really starting to feel comfortable with the whole situation. I'm very glad that the nearest hospital to me is a community hospital, not a trauma center. This is a good learning experience, not a terrifying one. Plus, considering how exhausted I've been as is, I can't imagine constant pages, 24-hour on calls, and the other pressures that go along with working in a trauma center.

One of the biggest things I'm trying to do is to really be more aware of myself and my relationships with other people. I've heard over and over that CPE is important to one's development in ministry, and that it's really about learning about yourself. I've been trying to take this to heart while also remembering that I am here to help patients through what is frequently a challenging point in their spiritual lives. I want to make sure that I'm properly caring for others, and not just myself. Yet I know that I have much to learn here.

On my final evaluation from St. Mark, Linda wrote that I have incredibly high standards for myself. Although she pointed I nearly always meet them, it is unfair to me and my sanity to always expect perfection. Linda told me that she is particularly concerned about this part of my personality in light of the soon-to-be-baby. There is absolutely no way I can continue to expect myself to get A's, keep my house perfectly clean, work effectively at field ed, and take care of Daniel while caring for a baby. It's just impossible. So I've been trying to keep that in the back of my mind as I work this summer. Although perfection is nice, it's definitely not necessary. No one else holds me to perfection, so why should I?

 

I think one of the great things about being pregnant during this time is that I'm learning how not to push myself too hard. I simply can't work as hard as I used to. I'm doing a pretty good job of walking around and then taking a break. When I walk around the hospital, I try to take the stairs, but I get winded really easily, so I don't beat myself up if I grab the elevator one time. I've gotten my eating schedule down pretty much perfectly at this point, and I feel no shame in eating during our morning sessions, or leaving my floor for 15 minutes or so to take a snack break. I've also been doing a fairly decent job of admitting that I need to go to bed by 10 some nights so that I can make it through the next day. I even asked for help today! I asked Wes to go over and take care of Dan so I can take a nap in anticipation of maybe getting called in tonight. My biggest problem right now is that my body can't/won't do all the things I'm used to it doing, and that's frustrating. I'm going to be terrible at getting old...lol.

I have had some really great conversations this week with patients. We did a didactic last week on reflective listening skills. Ted told us that most pastor-type people are more likely to give moral advice, or be supportive of a person than to employ reflective listening. He pointed out that, although it is not always the best tool, it is important for us to learn how to be the listener in the conversation, not the primary talker. For this reason, we need to learn how to properly respond in each situation so that people will feel free to disclose more information, to tell us their stories, to share their faith struggles. This will not happen if we judge them, tell them what to do, or speak down to them. As someone who loves to talk, I am trying to become a more effective and better listener so that the patients feel heard.

I'm on call again tonight. Last week was very peaceful, although I woke up every 3 hours or so in a blind panic, thinking that I had missed the pager going off at some point. When I woke up at 8:15 and saw no pages, I pleasantly turned it off and slept for a little while longer. We'll see how tonight goes. I'll also be here from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. on Sunday, so that will definitely give me something to think/talk/write about!

Yet Another Beginning

Well, I’ve successfully made it through two weeks of CPE and I’m starting to feel more competent with each passing day. I’m still pretty nervous about what the summer will bring, especially as I am on call tonight and there is no telling what might happen. At the same time, I am starting to feel like this is something I can actually do with grace, and I don’t feel like I’m just surviving each day.


Last week was an interesting, stressful, busy week. We had a full day of hospital orientation that was basically just plain exhausting. Then we spent Tuesday and Wednesday doing a lot of CPE-specific orientation. This, too was quite exhausting but at least it was specific to my situation, rather than just about working at the hospital. By Wednesday afternoon, we spent some time on our floors for the summer, which we continued to do through Friday.


I’m going to be working in telemetry, which basically consists of any long-term patients who are in need of heart monitoring. They are not in serious condition, like those in ICU, but they are in varying need of acute care. Many come in for a day or two before heading back home, to nursing homes, or to some sort of hospice care. Others have more long-term needs, especially certain conditions which cause them to be in isolation, whether contact or airborne.


I have several goals for my time in CPE, and I think they are all reasonable as well as long-term. One came out of my time at St. Mark this past year, which is my goal of creating a better prayer life. Although Wes and I are good about praying over meals and at night, I do not feel like prayer is central to my everyday life, but I would like it to be. If the center of my life is God, then the center of each day should be prayer. One piece of this is also my fear of praying for others aloud. It is one thing to read a pre-written prayer on Sunday morning in worship. It is quite another to pray for someone in physical, emotional, or spiritual distress. I worked on this throughout field education, and I will continue to do so this summer and beyond.


My other two goals are probably not too surprising for anyone who knows me. First, I want to learn how to be with people who are in distress without letting my emotions get the best of me. I want to learn how to express my emotions in a healthy way, rather than bursting into tears because someone else is in some sort of pain. I think there is no better place to learn this than in the hospital. So far, I have not had too many problems, but I also have not been at the bedside of someone who is dying or has died, so we will see how I work toward this goal throughout the summer. Complicating my handle on my emotions, of course, is my pregnancy.


Finally, I am working toward being less…anal…about my agenda. I like to make my plans and have everything figured out. While this in itself is not a problem and almost always an accomplishable goal, I also have a tendency to get frustrated when my agenda is not complete. Therefore, I plan to use this summer to become more aware of what causes frustration. As a pastor, I will have to be available to my parishioners when they are in need—I can’t just get frustrated because of some interruption in my schedule. My job is about people, not about the agenda. I especially want to work on this goal in lightof the baby coming in December. My agenda is definitely not going to be the number one priority when the baby is hungry, and I want to make sure that I deal with this in a healthy way, rather than getting upset.


So there you have it. Plenty of goals and a full summer, but it seems to be going well so far. I’m interested to see what the summer brings and how much I can learn from this experience.

Last Day

Yesterday was my last day at St. Mark, and it was definitely a tough one. I knew going in that I was going to have a hard time dealing with leaving, so I brought some tissues with me and hoped for the best.

I made it through the whole first service no problem. Although hearing Linda announce that I was leaving made me a little sad, I didn’t really have any problems getting through the service.

Then those awesome people had to go and have a party in between services for me. They got me a cake, made a beautiful card, and got me some presents. Linda made a little speech, during which I did my best not to cry and then they made me give a little speech too. They gave me a cross that has the Luther Rose on one side and the Chi Rho on the other. Basically awesome. They also got me the Pastor’s edition of the Lutheran Handbook and the Pastoral Care supplement to the ELW, which I have been told is an invaluable resource for CPE.

The second service did not go so well. Although I managed to pull myself together for all of the pieces/parts of the service that I actually had to do, I was kind of a wreck. Linda did a farewell/Godspeed at the end, and I even made it through “God be with You Till We Meet Again,” the final song.

I have had such a good time at St. Mark that I just can’t imagine not being there anymore. It’s pretty crazy. In August, when I found out about needing to do field education, I wasn’t super excited about the prospect of 8-10 MORE hours of my week being taken up by something beyond my control. I wasn’t even sure I was going to be able to handle school and work, much less school, work, and field ed.

When I found out I couldn’t work at Prince of Peace, I was disappointed and worried about the project. I even tried to find out if I could possibly skip field ed for my first year and instead take care of it during my second and third years of seminary. Then Paul, the pastor at Prince of Peace, told me to contact Linda at St. Mark. When I went to talk to our field ed director, he was super excited. I figured maybe I could handle this after all—eight hours wasn’t that much and I could muddle through.

Then I actually met Linda and started going to church and meeting people at St. Mark. Within a matter of days, I went from dragging my heels about the whole concept of field ed. I gladly spent 5 hours at church every Sunday morning, coming back for Confirmation some weeks, going to Bible study, attending meetings, debriefing with Linda and more throughout the week. By Christmas, I already knew that leaving was going to suck.

Everything about being at St. Mark was just wonderful. I learned so much through all of the activities I participated in, I had a great time getting to know the people, and I felt SO encouraged throughout the whole year. Every time I did something in worship (almost every week), I got support from the congregation. Every time I taught a class, Linda or Stacey would thank me and talk me through how it went. Every time I went to a meeting, everyone took my opinion into consideration and thanked me for helping.

And Linda was the most supportive of all. She really let me just pinpoint my strengths and weaknesses, and we went off of what I wanted/needed to learn. She did a great job of answering all of my questions, encouraging me when I felt like I had no clue, and helped me talk through some difficult situations. When I was confused about something, she listened and helped me understand. I couldn’t have asked for more in a supervisor, and everyone I work with after this is definitely going to have some big shoes to fill.

Well, I’m working on getting things taken care of for next year. In the meantime, I’ll be starting CPE at the beginning of June, so I’m sure there will be a lot to reflect on in that matter. Until then, I’ll probably be pretty quiet.  

On Teaching Teenagers

Easter was a super awesome celebration of awesomeness. I really have no other way to describe it. The whole day was just great—exhausting, but great. And that’s all I have to say about that.  

A big part of my work at field ed this year has been observing and helping out with both the 7th/8th grade class and the Confirmation class (9th graders). This Sunday was the last time I led both classes, and it was a very interesting one indeed.

In the Sunday school class, we talked about the mission of the church. That meant reading the Great Commission (the end of Matthew), as well as the first part of Acts, where Jesus gives his disciples instructions and then ascends into heaven. It was a pretty cool lesson to get to teach. I had a great plan for reading through the passages, and then looking at the mission of St. Mark and seeing where the mission of the church came into play. Then I was going to have them write their own mission statements.

The class had some slightly different plans, however. I had four kids in class—all boys—and apparently I had set a precedent for myself by playing Apples to Apples with them the last time I taught class. This meant that they had decided before we even started class that we were going to rush through the lesson and then spend most of the day playing Apples to Apples. I was not pleased.

Something I’ve learned over the course of this year through teaching and helping out with these classes is that there is a time to be assertive and a time to change your plans. Sunday was definitely the latter. We compromised by spending a good portion of our time on the lesson, not rushing through the readings or the questions, with the promise that we would play Apples to Apples with whatever time we had left at the end.

This plan worked out great. We had one of the best discussions I think we’ve had out of any of the times I have taught that class. The boys were attentive and really knew the answers to the questions—even the ones that didn’t come directly out of the readings for the day. They were able to relate what we were reading to the Creed, and they even knew that Judas had killed himself—which led to us reading the account of Judas exploding in Acts. What more could a group of middle school boys want to hear from the Bible?

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised by a lot of things. There are definitely times in the past where I would have insisted that we do things my way or no way. I think that would have been detrimental to the discussion on Sunday. The boys would have been sullen, I would have been upset, and true learning in faith would never have happened. Instead, we had a really great discussion, a good time, and they were even able to make Apples to Apples relate to our readings. God works in mysterious ways—even through silly games.

(On an unrelated note, I’m awesome at Apples to Apples).

Strengths and weaknesses

Yesterday, Linda told me that I'm "fabulous" after church. The reasoning was because of the craziness that went on during our second service. The acolyte hadn't showed up by about 5 minutes before the service, so we had a girl who is in the choir carry the cross in and take care of the candles and everything. Since she's in the choir, she couldn't do the offering, which we talked about beforehand. Part of the way through the service, I realized she also wouldn't be able to take care of her Communion duties, so I jumped up and took care of that.

The lector and I usually split the lector duties, so we sometimes get confused as to who is doing what each week. This week, the dismissal came earlier than we would expect, because we didn't sing a sending hymn. The lector wasn't quite ready, and so I jumped out and did the dismissal. No big deal--something needed to be done, so I did it.

We talked about this a little bit after church, and Linda thanked me for stepping in and just recognizing when something needs to be done. Instead of waiting around to let someone else take care of these issues, I did it myself. This is a great virtue--as the seminarian. But I pointed out that there IS an issue here--I can't take care of everything that needs doing when I'm the pastor. That's exactly the kind of pastor that I don't want to be, yet many congregations expect their pastor to be.


I guess what I'm realizing as I go through this process is that I'm learning a lot about myself. I already knew that I have some gifts for ministry and some qualities that I'll have to overcome. Through the last few months, I've learned what more of these are. I've also learned that something that seems to be a pro can actually be a con in the wrong situation. I'm hoping that I can continue to recognize these. This whole time has been a great learning experience.

Fear

Well, I've been neglecting the blog. Not because I didn't have anything to write, but the week before reading week was full of doing as much homework as possible so we could go on vacation, and I certainly wasn't going to spend my vacation working on the blog, either. So I apologize, but a girl's got to take care of herself.

So the past couple of months at the church have been a whirlwind of activity for me. Between taking the girls to WYA, being on vacation, and the end of my time at St. Mark coming near, I feel like I'm missing out on a lot. Yet, at the same time, I'm doing so much on the weeks that I am there, even my week back after vacation. This Sunday, I wrote the prayers of intercession and taught Confirmation, and tonight I'll be leading the Bible study for the mid-week soup supper. Not to mention that I've preached, taught Sunday school, and gone to a bunch of meetings.

This weekend is the 30-hour famine, which is my big service project day. I've been working on this basically since November or so, because my one social ministry requirement was to create and execute a service project with the youth. We're going to be doing three: wrapping silverware for the Trenton Area Soup Kitchen, stuffing and tying pillows for children in Bosnia, and making tote bags for the children, as well. I'm excited to see what happens.

But besides all of the activity, I've had a lot of fearful moments. Some of those are overarching: I'm not ready to leave, and I'm scared of what's going to happen next year. Some of those are the kinds that have been going on the whole year: have I really done enough? Have I learned what I can? Have I made some sort of positive impact here? And then there are the random ones that have been happening over the last few weeks.

First, I preached, which is always nerve-racking. I was only mildly calmed by the fact that we've been talking a lot about God's work through the words of the sermon. God will speak even when I cannot, and God will help the listeners hear what God has to say, even when my words don't quite match that. I firmly believe this, and I'm glad that the pressure is off. That doesn't mean that I don't have some responsibility, though. Plus, the last time I preached, Linda and I met a few weeks beforehand and went over the sermon, I practiced in the pulpit, and we talked a lot about it. This time, partially because of busyness and partly because I think Linda was either testing or trusting me--probably both, we didn't do that. I preached on Sunday not knowing what her thoughts on the sermon were. That made me even more nervous, especially when we did sit down to talk about it. It turns out that I don't suck at writing sermons; I definitely still have some growing to do, but that's to be expected. Yet I was pretty nervous the whole time. What if it was terrible? What if it made no sense? What if I was preaching the wrong thing?

The other big moment of being nervous came this last Sunday night, when I was teaching Confirmation. When I taught the Apostle's Creed, Linda wasn't there one day because she was at an ordination, and the other two weeks she worked on stuff in her office. That meant I was all alone with five terrifying teenagers. I survived, and I think they even enjoyed the time. But this week, when I was finally comfortable teaching on my own, Linda came in and worked on stuff in the same room. All of  a sudden, I was worried again--What if I was teaching something wrong? What if I said something the wrong way and the kids misunderstood? What if nothing I said made sense and I ruined Confirmation for them? I had the same issue a few weeks ago when Linda dropped in on my 7/8 grade class.

Why am I so scared? I want Linda to tell me how I'm doing and give me feedback so I can keep doing what I'm doing right, and work on improving what I'm doing wrong. Yet I get so worried when she's there to hear it! I know that part of it is just fear that I'm making huge mistakes, but another part is my general distaste for hearing about my mistakes. I'm a recovering perfectionist, and I hate making mistakes. I beat myself up for them, and can't seem to forget them--even silly mistakes that I made back as a freshman in high school, for example. So most of my issue is that to have someone else tell me I messed up, even someone I trust, is really difficult. I'll definitely have to get over this, so I appreciate all that Linda does to help me get over this perfectionist streak--maybe one day I'll get there.